The World (in me)- Part 1

My first day in America made me dizzy, annoyed and unbalanced. Even though we stayed at my husband's sister's nice house with her great family in Princeton, N.J., that didn't help me from feeling disoriented.

My mind was not present at all. I was in search of something ... far, unknown and unattainable.

That was about three and a half years ago. This trip of mine in the U.S. has somehow become one of the best experiential learning experiences of living, working, being, thinking, observing, feeling and eating in the land of freedom, rights and liberty.

For a part-time immigrant like me, this experience has been both joyful and stressful.

First of all, it is stressful because I am trying to seek an unidentified source of support which I can't identify. At times, I have not been happy with things, people and myself. In those chaotic moments, I could always find negative sides to blame. I tended to embrace the dark corners more than celebrating an adventurous new life in America.

In April 2006, I started to run. I remembered vividly that I decided to dump "that" depression. I was so tired with my unhealthy attitude and I wanted to start all over again. I needed a new beginning.

I called my co-worker who is a marathon runner. I asked her about the best place to buy a running shoe and what kind of shoe would best suit me. She nicely explained everything to me and I felt that beautiful support. I left my work at the homeless shelter in the afternoon, and with my husband, bought my first pair of running shoes. The next day I left my apartment early and ran as far (and perhaps fast) as I could on my first day. It was only one mile. It was my best run. My mind started to open up naturally. It was a symbolic run for me.

I was so HAPPY. It was not about the mile that I ran. It was more of the replenishing of the loss of my mind. I slowly woke up from the depression.

My frustration of trying to adjust into the new country (new water) was replaced by the sweat, the soreness, and the endless joy of counting the miles, the solitude when running, the fresh air that I breathed in when running along Lake Champlain, the new level of being healthier, feeling better about myself, and seeing another side of life. Things seemed clearer after running.

It was a great solid six months of running before I went astray and didn't really catch up with running. This was the worst part of me and I am working on getting back to that "track" habit again.

Three years and a half is quite a long journey that constantly brought me not only stressful moments to complain about but also lots of joyful times to cherish. I will write about those joyful times in my next blog entry.

The "world" in me, now, is the one that will keep changing and shredding. It will certainly go uphill and downhill and up again.

TAN