Live your dream

The present is a precious time. It is now that we should live our dream.

I went to the Sixth and I Synagogue with my husband to listen to a passionate man and his idealistic passage to save the environment. John Francis was the speaker and he did "22 years of walking and 17 years of silence." I don't plan to write about the details of his talk in this blog (if you really want to know about him, I am sure you can search for his story pretty easily.)

His talk stimulated our thoughts. His gentle voice echoed with the rhythm of my dream.

What is my dream?

My husband told me that his dream is to set up a Writer's Retreat in Thailand. It is a life-long powerful project. He told me that I have to realize my dream.

I looked at the red light at the busy intersection at Chinatown in DC. I stopped in order to answer his provocative question.

"My dream is to help other people realize their dreams."

After I said that, I heard John Francis tell me again and again in silence, "Live your dream."

Thanks John,

TAN

Chaotic Consciousness

I came up with a term, "chaotic consciousness," as part of my observation of the immigrant life in America. In fact, it is an observation of my own life.

My third year in America is approaching in a month and I don't really know what to feel. Is it just another year? Do I actually feel better acquainted with "American culture?" Do I choose to be who I am or try to be who I "don't" think that I am?

I am asking both sensible and nonsensible questions of myself. My mood is shifting from a great appreciation of having a chance to work and live abroad and feeling very lonely and homesick. This is a part of merging in this social context in which many of the people here come from other parts of the world as well.

There is a constant flow of chaos and I am aware of this. Someday, I wake up with a renewed sense of energy, and on other days I wish to be in a fresh market in Thailand.

I always live with more than one perspective and that means I have chaotic consciousness in my world.

TAN

Grumpy Immigrant

Waking up every morning, my mind wonders to the Far East, Thailand.

I see myself as a grumpy immigrant. I like this title.

Without passport or air tickets, the mind travels back endlessly to one's native soil. It also travels back to America before I know it (and runs away before I know it as well).

This thing called, "mind" that jumps back and forth from place to place, with no destination and no conclusion. I keep breathing and breathing, and still find myself tangled in the grumpiness. Someday, I just want to go to another country ... not Thailand, not America, but another world somewhere.

I am not totally happy in America.

I don't mean that I am always happy in Thailand. I guess it is a separate issue.

I don't intend to criticize anything, anywhere, or anyone. I am just easily grumpy in America. That is, I find myself feeling moody easily ...

When things don't turn out the way I would like them to be.

When I have to choose between a million kinds of apples in the supermarket, when I just want an apple!

When I order a tall Cappucino at Starbucks and realize that, with that money, I could buy three plates of pad-thai in Thailand.

When I can't find pants that fit me. They are either too tight or too loose.

When I couldn't afford to bring the unfitted pants to the tailor.

When Ihave a weird appetite (I eat all the time), because I never feel "full."

When I put on extra pounds in the cold season for my body to stay warm (and I can't find any pants that fit me).

When I have to work full-time in order to maintain financial stability to be proud of myself (I am not sure what I mean by this statement).

When I want to travel abroad but don't have the money and time to do so (someday, I will break this cycle and just travel).

When I have to answer the same set of questions (Where are you from? How long have you been here? Do you miss Thailand? ... and of course, what is your name?)

When people ask for my name and immediately forget that!

When I am completely silent in my thoughts because I am so exhausted speaking a foreign language.

And I can keep listing more things in America that bother me because I am a grumpy immigrant.

TAN